Avoidance, Ambiguity, and the SCARF Model
What a Stanford Freeze Taught Me About Leadership
There was a slightly awkward transition from activity to debrief. I told myself it would be fine.
Spoiler: it wasn’t.
During a recent workshop at Stanford, I had the group engaged in a hands-on challenge designed to explore how we respond under pressure. They were focused, collaborative, energized.
And then it was time to debrief.
I stood up. I opened my mouth.
And nothing came out.
I froze. Mid-delivery. In front of 28 bright, engaged professionals.
Stanford Engineering Complex - there are palm trees! A novelty for this Canadian.
What Looked Like a “Freeze” Was Actually Avoidance in Disguise
Later, as I reflected, I realized the freeze didn’t start on stage. It started earlier in the planning phase, when I avoided tightening up the weakest part of my session.
I didn’t want to feel the discomfort of ambiguity. I didn’t want to sit in the uncertainty of how it might land.
So I skipped over it. I focused on what I did know and quietly hoped it would work itself out.
It didn’t.
SCARF Helps Us Understand Why
If you're not familiar, the SCARF model by David Rock outlines five domains where we experience social reward or threat:
Status (how we perceive our importance)
Certainty (our ability to predict outcomes)
Autonomy (our sense of control)
Relatedness (feeling safe or connected to others)
Fairness (our sense of equity or justice)
In this moment, at least three SCARF domains were at play:
Certainty: I didn’t feel clear about the transition. Ambiguity can trigger a threat response.
Status: I was presenting at a high-profile institution alongside excellent speakers. The stakes felt high.
Autonomy: I felt boxed in by the structure I had planned, even though my gut was signaling a need to shift.
What looked like a small prep gap was actually my brain protecting me from perceived social threat. It wasn’t laziness. It was avoidance, driven by an attempt to stay safe.
Avoidance Is Often an Early Signal of Threat
One of the most useful parts of the SCARF model is recognizing that we don’t just respond to threat in the moment.
We often plan around it.
We avoid conversations that feel murky.
We over-prepare in certain areas and skip over others.
We say “it’ll be fine” when we really mean “I don’t want to deal with this right now.”
As leaders, this shows up in all kinds of ways:
Skipping prep for the tricky question we hope no one asks
Rushing into decisions to avoid uncomfortable dialogue
Over-relying on logic to quiet emotional tension we haven’t named
What I’d Do Differently
If I could rewind, I wouldn’t over-script the moment. I’d examine the avoidance.
I’d pause and ask myself:
What feels unclear or uncomfortable here?
What threat might my brain be reacting to?
What would make this feel solid enough?
We don’t need perfect plans. We need just enough clarity to calm the brain’s internal alarm system.
Final Thought
Leadership isn’t about avoiding discomfort.
It’s about noticing when threat responses shape how we prepare, communicate, and show up.
If something feels foggy or awkward in your plan, don’t gloss over it. That discomfort is useful data.
Pay attention.
It might be the difference between a confident pivot and a frozen pause.